The Monthly Rollercoaster Ride
I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t prepared for this.
I hadn’t thought about the inevitable emotional roller coaster ride that I would embark on each month.
After years of emotional turmoil I had FINALLY come to terms with the fact that I needed ART (artificial reproductive therapies), so I was shocked when the doctor said “Don’t rush into IVF. Everyone thinks they have to do ART right away after surgery, but I suggest you try naturally for a while. The research has shown that this time pressure only increases your anxiety and stress. ”
I was obviously relieved to hear that but suddenly realised that I hadn’t prepared myself mentally to try naturally again. I had felt proactive with the surgery and I admit that on some level I was looking forward to IVF and the CONTROL that came with it. I had FINALLY come to terms with science and technology taking over, and now I should try naturally and let my body do it’s thing?
The first step in that process was to start monitoring my hormones again. I needed to make sure I was having regular cycles and clear signs of ovulation. Otherwise I would need to reconsider medical intervention again. So I re-downloaded my period tracking app and began documenting EVERYTHING again; my moods, my cravings, my periods and all my subtle symptoms. It was a strange position to be in, especially since I’d given up all hope of trying naturally. The mixed emotions that accompany infertility are ever changing. As soon as you think you’ve got something figured out, there’s a curveball.
Now, it is really important to understand that NOT getting pregnant right away IS perfectly normal.
We all have close friends and family that get pregnant on their first try. Half of them of come off birth control, assume its going to take them a while, but then BOOM….get pregnant right away; or there’s always our friends that aren’t actually trying but they get pregnant on their first try and then they complain about it. Sound familiar?
One friend lamented to me “Oh my god, it took us 5 months to get pregnant. It was pure hell. I went crazy. I nearly lost it. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through.”
Now, normally I exhibit a moderate level of empathy. I try to put myself in other people’s shoes and, regardless of my situation, I try to deeply empathise with their pain. But that day, I didn’t feel like it.
I looked at her squarely in the eye, with no acknowledgement of her ‘distress’.
“Well,” I said bluntly, “sounds like you’re ‘textbook’ to me.”
Her eyebrows shot up in unexpected shock.
I smiled sardonically. “The average couple takes 5.3 months to get pregnant. So, in fact, there is nothing particularly special about you or your situation. That is a textbook time frame to pregnancy,” I emphasized, and then shrugged, “nothing special.”
I felt awful for saying it, but this was just one of those days where I didn’t feel like listening to other people’s ‘sob’ stories.
Truth is, 80% of couples WILL conceive within the first 6 months of trying.
About 90% of couples WILL get pregnant by the end of 12 months.
So what does that mean? That it is NORMAL for it to take a few months to get pregnant. And that it is important to be PATIENT and keep trying.
And another significant statistic is that 98% of couples will be pregnant by the end of 2 years (these are statistics reported during an Obstetric training session, but the numbers obviously change depending on age).
And then of course there is the meagre 2% of us that will never get pregnant naturally, no matter how hard we try. We’ve got problems or we are just too old. That’s the truth bomb ya’ll.
So here I have SLOWLY and PAINSTAKINGLY come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER fall pregnant naturally…….and then the doctor says “try naturally”.
So NO……I wasn’t quite prepared for get back on that monthly roller coaster of “trying naturally”; even though I know IVF will be worse, but I reluctantly admit that I felt some slight comfort in the scientific control of ART. You get to the point where you are so emotionally exhausted, you just want someone else to take the reigns for a while.
But, instead, we are trying NATURALLY.
The best way really.
I know I should be thrilled.
So…..here I go again….on that horrible rollercoaster ride
My heart clicks and creaks as it slowly ascends, my hopes rising each day as I see all the positive signs of fertility that I realise now I have never really experienced before.
I’m at the top now. The view is breathtaking. I feel good. I don’t have migraines or pain anymore so I allow myself to feel hope.
Then the hormones change. The migraines begin. The mood swings start. The depression envelops me. I start to bleed. The descent is steep and fast. I can hardly breathe. I crash. I burn. I mourn. I lose hope.
Slowly I come to terms with it. I pick myself up. I dust myself off, though some stains remain from the tears. I scrape off the dried patches of dirt and desperation and I try again.
